We are a straight couple in our late 40’s and we have agreed to try swinging next month at a club local to us. This is completely new to us, but we both love the idea of it! We are just wondering what to expect and what we should wear? Would love some input from you. Thanks
George and Kate, Portsmouth
Dear George and Kate,
I’m sure for first time visitors, a trip to a swinging club may feel slightly daunting, but swinging clubs have long lost the sleazy reputations of years gone by. These days swinging clubs have door policies and rules put in place to protect their guests and you will generally find other swingers to be very respectful people. Most clubs have the rule “Don’t touch without asking” and if you decide that you do not wish to participate with some people, or even with anyone else but each other, saying a polite no thank you is completely acceptable. Do not be afraid of upsetting anyone – this is not what swinging is about.
I would check the clubs policies before your first visit. Do some research and ensure they provide condoms and lubes and have guidelines to safeguard their guests.
Also agree firm boundaries with your partner before you arrive and agree on what are you both happy to do and not do. What would be crossing the line as far as your other half is concerned? Be very clear about this and make sure you stick to it so one partner does not end up feeling unhappy with the situation.
As for what to wear, in a swinging club pretty much anything goes, but be sure to double check the website to see if they have a specific theme or dress code on the night you are attending.
Have a great time and enjoy!
My boyfriend keeps trying to persuade me to have anal sex with him and gets upset when I say no. The other night he tried to pull the old “Oops sorry, I thought that was your vagina routine!” I’m feeling very pressured with all his sulking, shouting and mood swings over it. I told him I felt pressurised and he went mental and started smashing up my property and throwing things at me
I don’t want to do it but should I do it to keep him happy or do you think I should leave him? I’m scared of what he may do if I disagree or try to leave.
It’s not just a sexual matter. The other day he flew off the handle because he didn’t like the way I chopped the vegetables. He said he couldn’t eat it and called me a stupid bitch and threw his cutlery at me. Afterwards when I was upset he said it was no big deal, I just wound him up. Please help me.
Camelia, 22, Winchester
Your boyfriend is behaving in a very immature and concerning manner. What you do with your body is completely up to you and if anal sex is something you are not comfortable with, do not under any circumstances let him bully you into it. Applying emotional pressure and trying to coerce you into something you do not want to do is emotional blackmail and is abusive. Furthermore, smashing up your property is criminal damage and throwing things at you is a form of intimidation and physical abuse. A new law came into practise in 2015 to make domestic abuse illegal and offenders could face up to 5 years in prison, so please do not think for one moment that what your partner is doing is normal or acceptable.
He is also minimising his atrocious behaviour and passing the blame onto you for his actions. This is called ‘Gaslighting’ and is something abusers do to make their victims feel as if they are crazy or at fault. You are NOT at fault, understand this. He is the one with the problem and he is controlling you.
It does sound as if your boyfriend would benefit from anger management therapy. Are you able to have this conversation with him safely?
He needs to realise that his moods and tantrums are not acceptable and must learn to take responsibility for his own moods and actions. If his behaviour continues and he fails to understand your emotional needs and work on his behaviour, then you need to think about an exit plan.
You do not need someone in your life who bullies you and coerces you into sex acts that you are not happy with and no one should ever be afraid to assert herself or feel intimidated by their partner. In my experience, abusive men are rarely able to change unless they seek professional help. Is this an option?
Be aware that staying in an abusive relationship can lead to low self esteem, loss of identity, post traumatic stress disorder and can also manifest itself as a whole host of physical ailments. Is the relationship really worth this?
It does sound to me as if you are very unhappy and are staying in the relationship because you are afraid there may be repercussions if you leave him. You need to take back your power and own it Camelia. If you decide to leave, don’t tell him of your plans as I am concerned you may become endangered. Rally up friends and family and make sure you have someone with you, and make your exit safely when he is away from the house.
Once you leave, make sure you change your number and go no contact. It’s the only way to safely leave an abusive partner.
There are plenty of support groups for abused women. Refuge is a good start and you can find more information on their site here: http://www.refuge.org.uk/
Dear Mistress Kaz,
My wife is the dominant partner in our relationship and sometimes we enjoy periods of chastity play which normally last a week or two and I find the build up very exciting! However, she has been putting me in chastity for longer and longer periods and is now denying me affection too. Now she wants to put me in chastity for an entire year with no sex and not even any masturbation for me! The thought of this terrifies me. Also, she has started to go out alone recently. She puts on a lot of makeup and often comes home late with alcohol on her breathe. I can’t say for sure that she is having an affair but I feel that my partner is only with me as I fund her lavish lifestyle. Part of me wants to stay as we have been together for 10 years, but another part of me wants to escape! Am I jumping to conclusions?
Leslie, 43, Nottingham
Follow your gut instinct. If I was in your shoes I would be making like Sherlock Holmes right now and would be gathering evidence! Of course, the sensible thing to do is to sit down with your wife for a discussion and tell her about your concerns. There may be a simple explanation and she may be able to put your mind at rest. Make her aware of your feelings as she may not realise the impact the situation has upon you. However, if her responses make you feel uneasy or she reacts angrily then you can sure that something is amiss!
With regards to the chastity, I find it very bizarre that your wife would rather lock up your man parts for an entire year rather than enjoy intimacy with you. You do not say how old your wife is but sometimes a woman’s sex drive starts to diminish when they reach the menopause.
Withholding affection is another matter entirely though and admittedly, it does sound that your wife is taking you for granted. Showing a partner affection is key to making a relationship survive and is an essential part of bonding. I would want to know why she has stopped being affectionate? Is she angry about something? Is she going through something that she feels she can’t share with you? Or has she simply lost interest in the relationship? You need to find out why this is happening.
Something does not sound right. Communication is key. As least you know where you stand then and you will be able to make a decision and decide whether it is worth hanging onto the relationship or not.
To see more of Mistress Kaz B visit my website www.uk-fetish.co.uk and follower me on www.twitter.com/kazbxx
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