A problem aired


29.11.17Hi Kaz,

I have just seen your column and could do some tips and advice on a sexual problem I am having with my wife.

I’m 42, my wife is 33.  

She’s a real stunner but our sex life is as boring as hell and not satisfying enough for me. She works two jobs, often works late and if I ask for sex she sometimes says she is too exhausted, then I get frustrated with her and we argue. I don’t really bother with foreplay as I can’t really be bothered with all that, so maybe you can give me some tips on other things. When she does let me have sex with her she isn’t very inventive! I want her to be more adventurous and spice up our sex life. What’s the answer to this? I have seen a lot of porn films and wish my sex life was like that!

Justin, Darlington


Dear Justin,

This one is a lot easier than you may think, you just need to understand a little female psychology.

Firstly, let us start with the lack of foreplay. Unlike men, women are not instantly turned on, they need some stimulation. By stimulation I don’t mean telling her how horny you are or how much you want sex as this can be interpreted as putting pressure on her. I mean stimulating her physically and emotionally.

Women in the real world, (not in a porn film) desire intimacy in sex and are turned on by kissing, stroking, touching and an emotional connection. If this is absent, then your wife will not be turned on mentally and she’ll be drier than a camel’s flip flop on a 2-month vacation in the Sahara. Would you want something forced straight up your backside dry and without any lube?


The second thing that needs addressing – you say your wife is exhausted yet you respond to her pain by getting frustrated with her and arguing, which can only make a tense situation more stressful. When a woman is tired, she may still be open to sex if approached the right way, but you need to get her turned on. Have you considered that if you make her feel relaxed that she may start to feel in the mood for sex? I understand that men have needs and can feel frustration when sex doesn’t seem to be on the cards, but if you show this in an aggressive or passive aggressive way, then sex is going to be the last thing on your wife’s mind and you are simply shooting yourself in the foot.

Thirdly you state that you “ask for sex”. Why on earth do you feel the need to ask permission to begin sex with your significant other? This is very unnatural and suggests that you are putting all the responsibility on her and expecting her to take action to please you. If she is already feeling tired, this is simply going to pile more emotional pressure onto her and make her view sex as a chore.  Sex should be natural. As a mature adult, it would be beneficial to learn to use subtle clues and start to turn her on –  without just stating that you want sex.  Try giving her a sensual massage, a foot rub or trailing soft kisses from the nape of her neck all the way down her body. A gentle approach is a lot more effective than expressing neediness and bellowing.

You can’t expect to get different results when you are simply doing the same thing over and over, so if it’s not working, try something new to get her in the mood.

Your e-mail does rather strike me as your sex life being all about your sexual needs and desires and you seem to give little thought or effort to your wife’s needs.  If I am being honest, I sense a great deal of blame shifting on your part. There are two of you in this relationship and you need to take on some of that responsibility and not expect her to be some kind of porn star.


Porn is a fantasy world with lots of heavy editing with actors who specialise in sex as a career choice. Sex is not your wife’s job and real life is not like this. I feel that you need to accept that your sex life will never be like a porn movie. Yes, you can enjoy a great sex life but you need to lose some of your expectations, your sense of entitlement and focus on your wife a little more.

Sorry Toby, I know it’s not what you want to hear and I don’t mean to come across as uncaring, I really do care, which is why I have written you a response that I believe will benefit you the most.  If you want to make things work then you need to think and work a little harder and accept some responsibility for the situation.

I do wish you the very best and hope you and your wife will rekindle the spark that is currently absent. A little love goes a long way!


Head over to www.uk-fetish.co.uk to read more of Mistress Kaz’s articles about fetish and follow her here: www.twitter.com/kazbxx and don’t forget to e-mail me your problems to agony@dailysport.co.uk

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