I’ve been seeing my new fella for 4 months and recently found out that he has a smoking fetish. I have never smoked and find the idea of it very off putting, yet he is putting pressure on me to start smoking. He said as I have never tried smoking how do I know I don’t like it. Should I try one to show compromise or am I right to be concerned about the health risks?
Jemima, 23, Dunstable
I think you should stick to your guns on this one and refuse his request. This relationship does not sound healthy to me and his behaviour is toxic. He sounds extremely selfish if he is willing to risk your health merely to satisfy his urges.
Smoking can lead to a whole range of fatal illnesses including heart disease, gangrene, lung disease, emphysema and more besides. Is he willing to risk you developing a terminal illness merely for better orgasms?! Stand your ground and tell him that your health and longevity is more important than his sexual kicks and if he doesn’t like your response, find a partner who loves and respects you enough to respect your wishes.
My wife is going through the menopause and has completely lost interest in sex. Before this, we shared similar tastes and we’d experiment with bondage gear, electrics and toys. I am fairly submissive in the bedroom and it is this part that I missed the most. When I brought this up recently, she just told me to find a dominatrix. I was a little hurt and she said that she still loves me but has lost all her desires and drives and so thinks I should seek this excitement elsewhere.
Visiting a dominatrix is tempting but I fear losing the special bond I have with my wife. I am 55 and intimacy is just as important to me and I don’t want that part of it with something else. Is it wrong if I visit a dominatrix? Also, how can I keep my relationship with my wife strong?
I feel for you both. It is common for a woman to lose interest in sex when she goes through the menopause and I understand your concerns about losing the intimacy and the strong bond you have with your wife. You sound like a very caring and sensitive man and you are also very lucky to have an open-minded wife who understands your desires and your urge to fulfil your need for fetish. With this in mind, I think you can both overcome this.
It is very important to keep the intimacy alive but this does not have to be sexual. It can be as simple as giving her a foot rub, her massaging your back and taking time out to spend quality time together. Shared experiences create intimacy. Couples that laugh together and have fun together stay together, so make sure your lives include time for just the two of you to have fun.
With regards to visiting a dominatrix, if you wife does not have a problem with this then I see no reason why you should not do so. The relationship you will have with a domme is very different to the one you will share with your wife. As I am sure you know, BDSM is more about submission and control than sex. How open is your wife? Does she want to know the ins and outs of what will happen or would she rather not be involved with knowing what you are up to? Figure that out and make sure you respect her wishes. It is possible to indulge in a little fetish fuelled fun and also have a healthy relationship. Just make sure you get the balance right and don’t let the visits to dommes take over. Make sure your wife realises how important she is to you and make plenty of time for her. I’m sure everything will work out fine if you put the effort into making each other happy.