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Dear Mistress Kaz,
I have a terrible fetish! When I walk round Tesco’s I’m unable to enter the chilled section without getting an erection. It’s the site of those trussed up chickens you see. I start to wildly fantasise about slowing peeling back the cellophane until it’s completely naked, drizzling the entire thing in oil, then dropping my trousers and having a bloody good time.
Last week I know I went too far. There was a chicken in the fridge for Sunday dinner and whilst everyone went out for the day, I snuck it out, popped it on the dining room table and had my wicked way with it there and then! Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough time to get another chicken, so I stuffed the whole thing with garlic and lemon and pretended I was being thoughtful by preparing dinner.
Later we were all sat around the dinner table enjoying a Sunday Roast, but I just couldn’t look Grandmother in the eye when she commented on its juiciness!
Is this a weird fetish?
Quentin, 39, Hampstead
I’ve heard most things in my time, but it’s poor etiquette to stuff the chicken in this manner and fail to replace it! I’m not talking about the garlic and lemon just to clarify.
Perhaps those chickens are horrible flirts, having their legs all trussed up with plenty of thigh gap to seduce you, but you need to have more self-control. This fowl play must come to an end.
How would you like it if someone had a sneaky session with your morning toast and slapped their salami between your two slices? It would be enough to put you off your lemon curd forever wouldn’t it?
I must insist that you resist the urge to roger things that are not yours, because yes – it is a bit weird to have sex with someone’s dinner…. then watch them eat it!
It’s no yolk! Sooner or later you’ll be caught with your pants down and egg on your face. I think it would be eggcellent if you found another way to get laid. There are plenty of other birds out there!
Find yourself a sex toy in shape of a chicken or make your own. If it really must be fresh poultry, then head to the supermarket, put your hand in your pocket and buy one for your personal… erm enjoyment.
Oh, just a reminder. Best not to pop it in the fridge afterwards!