At the age of 18 the thing that I wanted most in life were breasts. Having spent my life mourning a flat chest and lack of what I felt womanhood was I worked three jobs to put myself through college and fund my private breast surgery for £4,000.00 in London. Being flat chested I felt that I’d been born without a fundamental part of my femininity, like a man born without balls or a dog born without a tail. I waited as long as I could emotionally stand for my natural breasts to develop and when they didn’t I took matters into my own hands and went under the knife.
I wasn’t to know that having breast surgery as a teenager would lead to the start of my glamour career, at most I was expecting the part missing from my life to finally feel complete, but it was a nice surprise to be recognised for being attractive after living so many years with low-self esteem and no confidence.
I get a lot of messages from girls, mothers and hopeful models asking for advice on breast surgery; would I recommend it? What type of implant is best? How big is it safe to go and are there any downsides to surgery. My answer probably isn’t what you’re expecting and I hope you’ll allow me to explain why. Yes I love my breasts, they’ve given me the confidence and career that I have now, but they’ve also nearly killed me, cost me over three times the amount I first expected to pay and caused me a lot of heartbreak that I never foresaw the day that I first went under the knife.
Firstly, breasts are not the answer to low self esteem, nor is having surgery in the pursuit of perfection. I’m glad that I had my breast surgery as a teenager, I appreciate how hard I worked to pay for my breasts and how determined it made me to overcome my weaknesses in life but equally it’s taken from me just as much as it’s given to me. I never expected for my chest to collapse, nor to undergo an emergency breast reconstruction and three surgeries as a result of the implants failing eight years after first having them.
Breastfeeding two children and being in and out of hospital for my implant removal and reconstruction put such a strain on my relationship that I became a single parent because I could no longer do everything I’d always done as a mother when I was bloodied, bruised and unable to get out of bed. Sometimes life changing illnesses make you, other times they break you and I went through a lot of suffering and sadness because of the breasts that I’d always been so intent on having. But thankfully I rebuilt my heart as the scars from my third surgery healed to the tune of £15,000.00 which isn’t something many think about budgeting for as we automatically presume that once you’ve had surgery once then you’re ‘fixed’ but there’s always maintenance and ageing.
I love how round, pert and full my fake breasts are and they’ve certainly helped me to advance my career as a model, yet in my love life they’ve caused me to be a piece of meat and to attract the wrong kind of attention, and men, in life. As a result the ‘nice guys’ who would’ve been more inclined to love me for me with a flat-chest have been pushed to the back of the queue so to speak by the trophy-hunters and fuckboys who have broken my heart over and over again.
Would I have had the confidence I do now if I’d have stuck with my natural flat-chest? Certainly not, although I’d probably have a sensible office-based job, happy marriage and 2.4children as I’d always dreamed of in life. What may seem like an insignificant change in your youth certainly has a monumental impact on your adult years, yet without change you never know what you’re fully capable of. Twelve years since my first breast surgery I’m still ecstatic to have large gravity-defying breasts, but if I’d have been given the option to feel comfortable in my own skin from the get-go then I’d choose never to have had everytime. Beauty isn’t defined in the size of your breasts, waist or butt, but it’s the way you compose yourself, treat others and your outlook life.
For all of the girls who are in limbo over whether to go under the knife or not to advance their careers as models or even to lift their self esteem I’d recommend you think long and hard about changing the natural beauty that you’re born with. Surgery is a double-edged sword that brings years of financial and emotional burden and isn’t an instant or quick fix to the emotional issues we face about our appearance, if anything it makes love and life harder at the expense of superficial beauty. In a world where there is so much pressure put onto women to look perfect I hope that there will be a trend to embrace natural beauty and accept our bodies in every shape, size and colour for the individuals we are