Starfish V Duvet Hogger


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Isn’t it strange how we become so accustomed to sleeping alone at night that when we eventually share a bed with somebody it just feels so awkward and you can’t get to sleep for love nor money. The heavy breathing, snoring, farting, rolling around and hogging the duvet as they sleep so blissfully beside you seems to taunt and snatch away all signs of tiredness and no matter how exhausted you feel you just can’t nod off.

As much as I love having my boyfriend beside me at night we have such different sleeping conditions – I’m a window wide-open at night kind of girl because I love a nice chilly breeze on my face but he likes to keep it closed up and warm. I always keep my curtains open to wake up to a beautiful bright sunrise and birds singing each morning but he prefers vampire-inspired darkness and absolute silence. I also sleep with my bedroom door open so that I can hear if there’s anybody in the house but he likes it closed and so I often end up face-planting the doorframe unsuspectingly in the early hours of the morning whilst walking to the bathroom. 

I thought I was the one who struggled to sleep at night when he’s next to me but it was pretty hilarious to discover that I terrorise him just at much. A few times I’ve rolled over and accidentally slapped him across the face and I also do this strange zombie thing where I menacingly run my fingers through his beard and making chewing noises just inches from his nose – as if trying to eat his face, or cookies or ice cream perhaps, I really don’t know! And occasionally I snore for no apparent reason, not a full on snore though, just some kind of odd deflated balloon noise until it eventually goes away.

We’ve therefore developed a high-tech system in order to survive sharing a bed – after our sexy time, snuggles and cuddles we kiss goodnight and he instantly builds a barricade of pillows and scatter cushions down the middle of the bed, flips over, faces the wall and hugs the duvet as I starfish gloriously over in my corner. Fortunately I have a super king size bed so there’s plenty of space for us both to be apart whilst still sleeping together. And as I struggle to nod off under such opposing conditions that I’m used to, I occasionally think to myself “It’s ok because when he’s not here I’ll be able to catch up on a good nights sleep again.” 

Yet when he’s not with me would you believe I sleep even worse! My conditions are perfect, just how I like them, I go to bed early, have a nice relaxing bubble bath, unwind… but I can’t fall asleep when the pillow barricade isn’t preventing me from eating his lovely face. And he texts me to tell me the same, even though he’s at home he’s clinging to the edge of his bed just like when we’re together and he’s trying to escape me. He said that he misses our morning spoons and struggles to sleep just as much when I’m not around. He then confessed to forever disliking sharing a bed and wanting to have the space all to himself but now he’s become a lonely little lamb thinking that I’m there next to him yet when he reaches out I’m not. 

He confessed that he only ever sleeps well when he’s at mine, despite me only ever seeing him sleep like a baby beside me, I really thought that I was the one who struggled at night but it’s quite the contrary. It turns out that I’m actually the duvet hogger and he allows me to unconsciously roll myself up all snug and strip him of covers until he freezes because he says he’s willing to sacrifice his sleep just to know that I get mine – aww! He also says it’s because he cares but I think it’s because I burn the breakfast in the morning when I’m walking around like a zombie loading the cat into the fridge and setting fire to the toast; proof that things aren’t always as they seem.



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