Valentine’s Day – argh!


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I’m so bad at this I don’t even know where to begin! Everything about the whole day just freaks me out whether I’m single or taken or somewhere in between I never look forward to talking about love. There’s something a little creepy about spending one day of the year doing soppy shit you’d never normally do just to prove that your partner means something to you, or maybe you’ll finally realise that they mean absolutely nothing and you should’ve left them a long time ago!


Whilst the shops fill with chocolates, flowers and perfume for men to default grab on their way home from work women eagerly await a romantic candlelit dinner and meaningful words pinned to a bouquet of astronomically expensive roses like it’s some unwritten law for being a girlfriend. Men worry about being good enough and women worry about being loved enough. I on the other hand worry about what the hell to say or do because I’m just an emotionally-void blow up doll – and that’s not even an exaggeration.


I’ve enjoyed single life for the past few years, and when I say single life I mean I finally escaped a shitty long-term relationship and have since dated minus the commitment; spending time with somebody but firmly understanding that you both have your own lives and don’t tell each other what to do or get jealous or possessive in any way. Maybe you’re exclusive, maybe you see other people, fuckboys, fuckbuddies, whatever you want to call it there’s no heaviness no arguments or whatever, I’ve just always kept a partner at arms length – an add-on to my life if you will, rather than becoming my whole life because somewhere deep down inside I’m still a little freaked out at the thought of letting anybody get close to me and potentially hurting me again. Did you just hear that violin?

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So when I’ve been ‘dating’ in the past and it’s come to Valentine’s Day I’ve never ever used the word ‘love’ with anybody, but card shops and gift shops just have to plaster it everywhere don’t they! What the hell is that about!? Soppy, sentimental, sickening… it just doesn’t fit into a light-hearted ‘let’s see how it goes’ kind of vibe that I feel safe in. As soon as you start bringing feelings into it that’s where things take a turn for the worse and it becomes a make or break situation. That’s why I stick to comedy, a sex joke, weird animals pulling a face or another type of random card that isn’t covered in love hearts and makes no mention of Valentine’s Day which as you can imagine is pretty hard to find in February.


I sign my cards ‘from Tracy’ and don’t even put kisses because I’m dying inside over the cringe-factor of saying something that I don’t yet mean or meaning something that I can’t bring myself to say out loud perhaps. Do I actually love him? I don’t think that I know how to tell anymore. Maybe? What’s love anyway? Listening to your partner fart, shaving each others legs/shoulders, falling asleep in each others arms on the sofa in your shit comfy clothes? Gah! Can’t we all just live however we choose to live and do what makes us happy without putting things into boxes or categories to display on social media for the rest of the world to see? As if everyone is really as loved up or happy as they make out to be in their Valentine’s selfies anyways.

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I do like the guy I’m dating though, we get on great, he has a nice cock and laughs at my rather questionable and mostly offensive jokes. And I guess we fill each others gaps in life – literally and metaphorically! But we haven’t used the word ‘love’ yet, I doubt he’s thinking about marrying me any time soon and I’m not sure he really likes me that much to be extra extravagant this Valentine’s Day. I guess what I’m trying to say is if you’re freaking out over Valentine’s too then don’t think that you’re alone – it’s just as hard for us damaged girls as it is for you clueless guys, we’re all in the same boat here. I may just pull a sickie and tell him I’ve got man flu and to stay well away a couple of days before February 14th so that we can skip it completely and go straight to Steak & Blowjob Day; now that’s definitely a non-emotional occasion we both look forward to!



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