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I like to think that I’m quite a chilled out, laid back and understanding kind of girl. The majority of my friends are guys and as such I have a pretty straight-forward way of looking at life – minus the hearts and flowers, but from a guys perspective some might say. Having been single for a few years through choice I always avoided drama, when emotions were high I’d put my walls up and back away and the concept of jealousy literally didn’t exist for me. Maybe I used my head instead of my heart, maybe I didn’t actually care or see a future with anyone that I spent time with, or maybe I was just emotionally void inside after getting so badly hurt, it makes sense to have kept meaningful relationships at arms length as my best form of defence.
Anyway, that all changed when I met my boyfriend and very gradually, bit by bit, my walls came down. I’ve found myself learning to hug, not in an awkward stuffed teddy way with stiff arms and a rigid neck but that soft and mushy intertwining limbs on the sofa and planting kisses on the back of hands kind of soppy stuff – which was quite alien at first but now I find it surprisingly nice!
I’ve also found myself thinking about him when I least expect it – like when I’m doing the food shop and pick up a bag of parsnips and ponder over if I cook them when I see him at the weekend then he’s likely to end up farting all night and stink out the bedroom so maybe I should just go for the carrots and peas instead?
I speak about him in conversation without realising I’m doing it and find myself saying we all of the time instead of me or I anymore like we’ve somehow become the same person or a lame tag team that can’t be separated or exist without one another. It’s as if I’ve recently joined a cult and all that I can talk about is its strange rules and wacky beliefs! “Oh, we watched that last night and it was great!” “We’d love to go there on holiday one day if we can get the time off of work together” and “I’m not sure if we’d like that but we can give it a go when we’re free!” It’s basically absolute gag-worthy tosh but it just comes out of my mouth and I can’t help it.
Yet worst of all, other than being some kind of cult-like we-sayer and absolute idiotic softy I’m utterly disturbed by the fact that I’ve somehow grown a sense of jealousy. Or paranoia? Or fear? I can’t quite put my finger on it. Where I’d once see a pretty girl with huge boobs walk past me in the street and think “she looks hot!” I now have a little douchebag of a voice in my head saying “what if he thinks she’s hotter than me?” Not that I think I’m hot, but you know what I mean. Bloody jealous crap, insecurity and… emotion!?
When my heart was hollow everything was so easy, now it’s all swollen and mushy and emotional and there’s this stupid voice making me question and doubt everything and it sucks big time! It sucks to be a woman because of emotions. Whilst it’s a wonderful feeling to be able to feel it’s both a blessing and a curse at the very same time. I’ve had the best of both worlds, healing after heartbreak and restoring my faith in happiness yet it comes at the price of doubt and confusion and self criticism. Deep down emotion is what makes us all human and I’d sooner feel that in all of it’s glory than spend the rest of my life feeling hollow from hurting. I’m grateful to have finally found a we that has meaning; now all I have to do is figure out how to stop thinking like a woman… and then invent zero-calorie non-chocolate organic healthy chocolate vegan ice cream – answers on the back of a postcard please!