I’m sad to say this is my final column. I can’t believe I’ve been writing for The Daily Sport for just under 4 years. Thanks so much for everyone who reads each week.
This week I am talking about the best Christmas sex moves and also three ways to spice up your love life.
I hope you enjoy my last ever column.
All the best.
Twelve Days of Holiday Sex Moves
The 12 Days of Christmas song is a classic—full of good cheer, holiday spirit, and…light BDSM, right? Well my version is! See what you and your true love should really give to each other this year.
12. Drummers drumming. Spankings aren’t just for Fifty Shades of Grey—along with blindfolds, whips, and other bondage-light go-tos, they’re spicing up bedroom repertoires everywhere. Start with some soft, quick pats to get his blood flowing. Then spank where his thigh meets his butt—he’s extra sensitive there. If you’re feeling vixenish, make him count his spankings. He could even recite this song as a countdown.
11. Pipers piping. The first rule about piping his piper is to do it. The second rule is to make eye contact with your man as you do it. This tip is so simple yet so important (and so often forgotten!). As you get to work, glance up at him in the most sexy, sultry, Scarlett Johansson–like way…and hold his gaze for a few seconds while you sexily lick your lips. It’ll seem like you’re treating him to something extra special. Happy. Holidays. To. Him.
10. Lords leaping. Don’t just lie there; switch positions during your romp. It is fun, great exercise, and will keep a guy going longer (wins all around). Start in missionary, then follow the lead of the randy blue elves at right for deep penetration and maximum clitorial stimulation—gifts you both can enjoy.
9. Ladies dancing. Everyone needs their own stripper song—something that gets your body moving all sexy and sultry. Don’t have one yet? Celeb DJ Hesta Prynn suggests Miguel’s Use Me, Usher’s Bad Girl,Heart’s Magic Man, or Rihanna and Drake’s Take Care. Or put on Eartha Kitt’s Santa Baby. Dance in slow-mo, almost hypnotically. Run your hands over your hips, up your body, over your breasts, and through your hair. Make piercing eye contact the entire time (a sexy smirk only helps).
8. Maids milking. Surprise him by wearing some skimpy French maid–ish lingerie. Tickle him with your feather duster, then return to your cleaning “duties,” milking the costume for all it’s worth. Once he’s had an eyeful, lead him to the chambermaid’s room and reward him for his patience.
7. Swans are swimming. Turn down the lights and draw a romantic bath for two, but bring a special friend—a rubber-duckie waterproof vibrator. Let your partner watch you getting wet in the bath (in more ways than one, ha!), promising him he can help you out when you’re done swanning around.
6. Geese a laying. Geese mate for life. Riff on this concept of eternal intertwinement and wrap your leg over his back, which gives him access to your clitoris. Then use a vibrator (an egg-shaped one, natch) around your clit, not on it. The clitoris has legs like a wishbone that extend down the labia, so attention to the surrounding area feels mmm.
5. Gold rings. Sure, it’s a little hard-core, but a great trick for dual pleasure is to use a vibrating cock ring. The guy enjoys a soft vibration on his shaft while you get targeted clitoral stimulation with each thrust. They also help guys achieve fuller, harder erections. Stocking stuffer, anyone?
4. Chilly birds. Some say “calling birds,” but originally, it was “colly birds.” Take a cue from the evolved lyric and whisper his name lustfully during sex. It’ll snap your mind back from your shopping list to the heat of the moment. And hearing that you want him and only him is a turn-on.
3. French hens. We often neglect kissing and go straight for the below-the-belt stuff. Don’t! In the spirit of those frisky hens’ home country, French kiss madly, animalistically, and when he’s on fire, slow down and kiss his cheeks, ears, and neck. It’ll add urgency to the main event.
2. Turtledoves. Turtledoves are traditional emblems of true, devoted love. So in a postcoital moment, make sure to get touchy-feely. After sex, caress his skin all over to help him enjoy the moment. If you can handle a little more mush (come on, it’s the holidays!), coo into his ear and tell him how happy you are to get to spend this time together. Open up the conversation so he can tell you how he’s feeling too. Which—after all these tips—better sound a lot like grateful!
Partridge in a Pear Tree
Go for round two! If you need a little inspiration to climb his pear tree again, invent your own signature position. You have a signature scent, so why not this? If you’re into missionary, dangle your head, shoulders, and arms off the bed while he’s on top (you’ll get a heady rush; he’ll get a sexy view). Found your position? Now give it a code name that only the two of you know. Whisper it at his office holiday party to get him excited for the private festivities later!
THREE STEPS TO KINKIER SEX
All sex is good sex—in the beginning. When your relationship is fresh, new positions or novel settings are enough to keep you both interested and satisfied.
But as the years pass, it’s all too common to find yourself stuck with a sex life worn edgeless by routine and complacency. Fortunately, things don’t have to stay that way.
Here, we offer some sound advice for cranking up the kink and adding a little—or a lot—of spice to your flat-lined sex life.
One person’s wet dream is another’s wet blanket. If you pull out your new moves in the moment, her startled reaction may frighten you both away from dirty sex for another few years.
Here’s a smarter idea: Discuss your ideas and turn-ons before you hit the lights.
Start the conversation over a glass of wine at dinner—or in some other setting where you’re both comfortable and relaxed.
It might be easier to begin this talk with relatively tame fantasies or role-playing ideas—stuff that will ease you both into the idea of new experiences. It may also help to ask her what she’s into first. That way, you’re making it about her desires as well as your own, she adds.
When it’s your turn to share, be positive and confident about what you’re into. If you make a big deal do about asking or you look terrified once you make the request, that could freak your girl out or make her nervous.
Also, be clear that you’re not expecting this every time you do it—only once in a while as a change of pace.
Most people can cope with doing kinky things consistently but irregularly. Few want to do it every single session.
And, above all else, don’t force things. If you’ve told her you’re interested in something and she says it’s not for her, putting up a fight won’t change her mind. On the other hand, being cool with her refusal might lead her to rethink things and give it a shot.
Watching some porn or reading erotica together may help charge you both up and make it easier to discuss new ideas. If that sounds weird, remember, Fifty Shades of Grey wasn’t a blockbuster book because dudes were reading it.
Chances are good your partner’s interested in this stuff even if she’s never discussed it with you. And it’s a lot easier to say “I like that” while watching or reading about sex than it is to describe your fantasy in detail.
Once you’ve agreed on some new moves to try, do your homework. Whether you’re trying anal sex for the first time or introducing a new toy into your bedroom, there are right and wrong ways to go about things. Knowing the pitfalls ahead of time is the easiest way to avoid them.
And unless your fantasies perfectly align, it may help to split your new sex initiatives into “his” nights and “her” nights. Starting with her desires may be a good way to show her this is about the both of you, and may make her more enthusiastic when it’s your turn.
Kids are a kink-killer, so dropping them with your parents or getting away to a hotel for a night can help you and your partner disconnect from your distractions.
(A hotel is also a good idea because new settings can ease your transition into new experiences.)
It’s also smart to set ground rules—how far each of you is prepared to go—and to establish a safe word. (Make your safe word something you would never say by mistake.)
This way, you can be sure you’re both enjoying yourselves and having fun without having to stop every few minutes to ask, “Are you cool with this?”
In the end, remember that your relationship is more important than the experience you’re having in the moment.
Give your girl a gentle hug and a kiss afterward, and tell her how much you enjoyed yourself. And, sometime in the next few days, talk about what you both liked—and what you didn’t—to ensure you walk away from the new experience feeling satisfied and willing to try it again soon.