A London binman says he was “just taking out the bins” when he accidentally ended up at As One Festival in the Park — and left 12 hours later a changed man with a number saved in his phone under “Wife???”
Barry ‘Baz’ Thompson, 41, from Croydon, claims he was doing his usual Saturday round when he heard what he thought was “a warehouse rave and a lion mating” coming from Brockwell Park.
“I thought, sod it, I’ll pop me head in,” Baz said. “Next thing I know, I’m surrounded by thousands of beautiful women in sparkly outfits, one of them’s got me in a glitter harness, and someone’s handed me a can of something that tasted like Red Bull and divorce.”
Within minutes, Baz had ditched the high-vis and joined a group of ravers who mistook him for a performer called “DJ Garbaggio.”
“I didn’t correct them,” he admitted. “They had glitter, gum, and gear — what was I meant to do, go home?”
Baz claims the day took a truly magical turn when he got chatting to a professional dancer called Brandy X, who he described as “the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen — like a mermaid, an angel, and Beyoncé all had a baby together and that baby was wearing moon boots.”
“I told her I worked for Lewisham Council and she just said ‘that’s hot,’” Baz beamed. “No one’s ever said that to me before. Not even my ex-wife. Especially not my ex-wife.”
The pair were seen dancing together for hours and were last spotted next to the vegan hot dog stand while someone played an acid techno remix of “Careless Whisper.”
Barry eventually made it home at 5am the next morning wearing nothing but rave glasses, a sequinned crop top and one steel-toe-capped boot. His boss has since confirmed he’s been signed off for exhaustion and a “mild case of euphoria.”
Asked if he’d be back next year, Baz said:
“Mate, I’ve already booked the day off. And this time, I’m bringing the entire bin crew. Let’s get trashed — literally.”