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Hi Kaz,
I could realise use some dating advice. I joined a dating site 3 months ago. Having been single for 8 months, I felt I was ready to jump back in the game, but all my dates have been disastrous! The first guy I dated just slagged his ex-girlfriend off the whole time until I made my escape.
My second date was at the cinema and he kept trying to grope me. The guys I meet either just talk about themselves or seem to be after sex. Where am I going wrong?
Lucinda, 24, Basildon
Dear Lucinda,
It’s tricky to know exactly where you are going wrong without seeing your dating profile, however, I can give you some pointers.
Dating Profile
Let’s start with your dating profile. Firstly, while it should be enticing you should focus on your winning personality, rather than your physical attributes. Avoid using overly suggestive poses, or exposing too much cleavage on your profile. You want to attract guys that are interested in you, not just your body.
Use the profile section to its fullest capacity, list your hobbies and what is important to you.
It’s important not to come across as someone who is too giving, or needy either, so things such as, “I just want someone to care for me,” or “I want some to care for” are definite no-no’s. The latter mainly, will attract men who are looking for replacement mothers, and in no time at all you’ll be doing all their laundry and cooking, while they sit back on their butts and take you for granted.
Just be yourself, don’t be too serious and don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Hold a little of yourself back. That way, you’ll really connect with the person who wants to get to know you.
Screening your matches.
It should go without saying, any guy that mentions sex or makes a sexual innuendo in his first message is only after one thing – DELETE!! Do you really want to date a guy who is sending sleazy messages to half of Essex’s female population? I don’t care if he looks like Brad Pitt, he goes in the trash bin straightway, no exception. Keep your integrity and avoid these types of losers.
Avoid guys that do this in messages too:
*Talk excessively about themselves, but fail to ask you any questions.
If you do decide to date this guy, take a pillow so you can snooze while he is yapping on about how brilliant he is.
*Brags about achievements/cars/women
This guy is insecure and materialistic, in other words, a shallow Hal.
*Arrogant, judgemental and highly critical of others – dude got more issues than Vogue Magazine!
*Messages too excessively ‘Did you get my last 4 messages? Are you there? Why are you ignoring me? HELLO???’
One word, Psycho!
*Married man/anyone wearing a wedding band.
No explanation needed – just don’t do it. It’s wrong on all levels and you will get hurt too in the long run.
Attributes you should be looking out for:
*Guys that are open about themselves to an extent, but also express interest in what you do.
*Guys that have a stable life with a good friendship circle. If you do end up meeting your true love, you want someone who is independent and you can slowly become part of each other’s worlds. You don’t want to date someone who has nothing else going on in their life, as they will most likely end up being clingy and resentful of your other friendships.
*A positive attitude and sense of humour. If they can laugh at life when things go wrong, they will be excellent company.
When to agree to a date
Don’t accept a date straight away, even if the guy is attractive to you. If they want to spend time with you, make them work for it a little. I don’t mean you should act like a diva, but make sure they want to meet with you for the right reasons. Swap some messages back and forth and build an idea of the person you are considering meeting. Speak on the telephone too before agreeing to meet. You can pick up a lot from someone’s tone and figure out if they are suitable and genuine.
What to wear
It’s okay to be a little bit sexy, but keep it subtle. A cleavage spilling top, mini skirt and 6-inch heels are excessive. You’ll either terrify the poor guy or he’ll think you are up for sex. A sexy pair of heels, with cool jeans or leggings and a cute top, works well and doesn’t look as if you are trying too hard. A summer dress and wedges or pumps work fine too, just keep it classy. You are a prize to be won, not a plate of meat waiting to be gobbled up.
Avoid wearing expensive jewellery or anything that gives away your financial status. Men can be gold diggers too you know!
Safety
Ok, so you have swapped lots of positive messages, spoken on the phone and your match is asking you out for a meal. I would avoid going for a meal for a first date as it’s less easy to make a quick getaway if he’s a major creep! Instead, suggest 1 drink, or ideally afternoon coffee. This way there is less expectation, and he won’t presume it’s leading towards something sexual.
Make sure a friend knows where you are, and what time you will call them when you get home.
Arrange to meet with a friend, or arrange something for yourself after, such as a beauty appointment. That way you will have a genuine reason to leave after a reasonable amount of time. If it goes well, you can always enjoy a more extended second date.
Also, don’t limit yourself to dating sites. The sites are notoriously filled with people who exaggerate their attributes and fail to mention their less positive traits. Many people also use photos of themselves which are 5-10 years out of date.
Ask your mates if they have any interesting male friends, join some groups or organise some girl’s nights out. It’s much easier to connect with someone who is on a night out when they are relaxed and having fun. There’s more pressure on an organised date, everyone is trying too hard when they should just be relaxing and enjoying the experience.
Keep your circle wide, your friends close and don’t rush into anything too quickly.
Hope you fair better on your future dates!
If you need help email [email protected]
To read Mistress Kaz’s reviews and articles visit www.uk-fetish.co.uk You can also follow her here: www.twitter.com/kazbxx
