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Dear Kaz,
My Father died four years ago and Mother was devastated. I was sad, but he and I had never been particularly close, so I wasn’t as heartbroken as she was at the time. I was always much closer to my Mother and I was her shoulder to cry on during hard times. After Dad passed, I decided to move back into the family home where I could keep an eye on her and we spent a lot of time together. I would often cancel evenings out with the boys to watch X-Factor with her instead, and a day of shopping and afternoon tea with her always appealed more, than rowdy nights in a bar.
Everything was going just perfectly well until a couple of months ago when Mother met a gentleman friend at her book club. He is horribly boring and likes to quote long, dull passages from tedious books. Furthermore, he is only 29. I am 33 and I think it’s disgusting that he is younger than me! How could she date someone younger than her son?
She’s always giggling and fawning over him, offering him tea and cake and asking him about his stupid books! What’s worse is that when he stays over I know they are sleeping together. The other day, he came down to breakfast wearing her pink dressing gown. He may as well just have shouted from the rooftops, “I’m banging your Mum!” It’s so distasteful.
I’ve made it obvious that I dislike him and that has made the atmosphere a little tense at home. The other day he had the gall to suggest I was a little needy and say perhaps I should find some work or interests outside the home. He’s such a condescending twerp! Mother and I were left a considerable amount of money from my late Father, so it’s true that I don’t leave the house much, but how dare he poke his nose into my business.
It’s made me start thinking about my Father again. At the time, I felt like I dealt with his death fairly well, but now I feel like there’s a void where he should be. Also, if my Father was here, then my Mother wouldn’t dare floozy around with someone half her age!
Should I give her an ultimatum and make her choose between us? After all, I have sacrificed for her, the least she could do is choose her own flesh and blood over some toy boy!
William, 33, Lymington
Dear William,
I am sorry to hear about your loss. Grief affects us all differently and emotions can be unpredictable. Some people grieve profoundly for a long time and others try to bury their emotions, but the problem is if you hide from your emotions then they are bound to resurface later.
It sounds to me as if your way of dealing with grief was to insulate yourself in the family home and to act as your mother’s cushion. I can understand that you felt indebted to her and this could be why you put a hold on your friendships and spent more time with her instead. I would suggest, however, that all your sacrifices weren’t for your mother, and that shutting out your friends was something you did as you found it less painful to be around your mother and did not have to explain yourself to anyone else. 
You might dislike this man your mother is seeing, but you need to put aside your feelings for your Mothers sake. It sounds as if she has found someone who is making her genuinely happy. Perhaps you are not comfortable with this as your mother is leaning on you less for emotional support and you feel as if you should be the one propping her up. If you genuinely want your Mother to be happy, you have to let her choose who she allows into her life. I’m not asking you to be friends with this fella, but if you were able to be civil to him at least, I think in time you would all be a lot happier. This could be her last chance at happiness. Do you really want to the one who destroys this and watches her grow old and lonely?
It’s time for you to start concentrating on a life for yourself too. There is a whole world out there and while you are sitting at home every night you will never find a loving partner or build a family of your own. You are 33, which is young enough to start afresh and meet someone yourself. As much as you love your Mother, it’s not healthy to only have one relationship in your life. One day, sadly your Mother will pass too and you will be left alone and with many regrets.
Some grief counselling may be able to help you deal with the emotions you are struggling with. Take a look at this website which specialises in grief counselling:
I do hope you can find it in your heart to do the right thing, support your Mother’s wishes and look into making new friendships.
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